Huarache Sandals Too

Mandals aren’t the only unacceptable shoe hitting the pavement this summer. All around the country disastrous displays of rubber, plastic and leather are making appearances in parks and beaches on the weekends. One shoe in particular has caught my eye this year. As a child in the eighties, I kneeled before my bed every night and asked God to spare my virgin eyes from the sight of another huarache sandal. Apparently, somewhere along the way my direct line to God was cut because I have started to notice that huarache sandals are, in fact, back. It’s OK, take a minute, let it soak in.

Huaraches (hur-ah-chees), made infamous in 1963 by the Beach Boys’ “Surfin’ USA”, have been worn by Mexican peasants for hundreds of years. They started as woven leather tops with a leather sole, then mutated into leather tops and recycled tire bottoms around the 1930s and are now available in a variety of materials, including some with Velcro (I know, I just gagged too). In the proper setting, I’m sure they are cool. The proper setting is a remote Mexican village, not Magazine Street! For the same reasons I didn’t come back from Africa in traditional tribal garb, you should leave those huaraches in Mexico.

Get a Handle on Your Mandal (Slide)

mandal definition 1- (noun)- man sandal- a men's summer shoe, that consists of black or brown leather that covers more than 50% of the foot, may contain buckles and a thick sole (optional).




**** Please note: This post only refers to men's leather slides. Mandals post part 2: Teva Later will be coming soon.

The mandal "slide", a true fashion mishap, is usually sported by European, gay or fashionably challenged lazy men (including but not limited to guidos, metros and the like). The mandal, first originating in Europe saw the trickle down effect when Kenneth Cole decide to disturb the peace by introducing the "slide" for women in 1974 and saw his bank account explode, he could have stopped there, but he took it to the next level, a step too far, a move fashionably concious people around the globe deem irredeemable- THE MANDAL SLIDE- dun dun dunnnnnn... The slide (such as the "Coast is Clear" Kenneth Cole slide shown above) is a woman repellant. But if you are looking to go out and not get laid you can find this slide for half the price at:

http://stores.channeladvisor.com/grapevinehill/items/item.aspx?itemid=10787087

I ♥ Mississippi

Jean shorts, mandals, cheapo vinyl siding apartment buildings and a red Camero, it must be Mississippi. Jean shorts and rubber mandals are basically the standard uniform for men in Mississippi. It doesn't matter what time of year it is, there will always be men in each little town sporting their jorts. After a lifetime in Mississippi one becomes desensitized to the joy that is the jean short, but every now and then the right jean short/mandal combo appears and reminds you that there is some good left in this mad world. (Yeah, I live in that cheapo building)




This outfit is another one of my favorites. You can't see it in this picture, but there is a beautiful eagle that adorns the back of his windbreaker- under that construction worker safety vest. It is quite remarkable. I particularly love that he has his sweat pants tucked into his socks (I understand it's a safety issue but am confused because those are definitely the sweats with elastic ankles) but then, he has white deck shoes. That's the most awesome part. I tried to catch him for his number but the light turned green and my car was no match for his bike. Just another soulmate who slipped away...

The Doc is NOT in!

I think we can all agree that in 8th grade Doc Martens were cool. It's not something that I'm proud to admit, but I know a lot of cool people who wore them back in junior high. Who knows why they were so hip back then, but probably for the same reasons Hammer pants and slap bracelets adorned prepubescent bodies, Docs were sold out everywhere. Thankfully, times have changed. Unless you are the wallet chain kind of guy (in which case, why are you even reading this blog) the Docs need to find their way to the thrift store, immediately.

Did Someone Say "Crocs"?

You all know the Croc wearer. He sports khaki slacks or shorts and a polo shirt in an off color, a clear sign it’s from T.J. Maxx. He might even have Croakies dangling down his back from the end of his Ray-Bans. He definitely owns a couple of pairs of light blue jeans and they are probably tapered. He's wearing Crocs because they are comfortable and casual. But newsflash Mr. SEC frat guy and Jack Nicholson, Crocs were made for hippy gardening housewives in Vermont, not for hopping out of Tahoes and running into Backyard Burger. Wearing a gardening shoe in an airport is about as logical as a giant straw hat or gardening gloves carrying coffee through the terminal. Leave those eyesores in the garage.



When you think about what you have strapped onto your foot, it's actually quite disturbing. You are wearing a plastic clog with holes so your hairy toes can breath. That's just foul. Crocs are ugly. As you can see from our previous posts, comfort is not an acceptable excuse. Everyday I shove my expanding foot into a pointy toe trap that is hiked up on a three inch stick the size of a McDonald's french fry. I haven't felt my little toes in a decade, in fact, I actually forgot I had them. Comfort is not and should not be an issue when considering whether or not to purchase a shoe you plan to wear in public. This is America, we drive everywhere we go, and often right up to the door. We sit at a desk all day. Our meals are delivered to us at the table, desk or door. Why do you need comfortable shoes?



Do you really take fashion advice from this guy?

Exception of the day..

Okay so I know this blog is dedicated to the do's and dont's of MEN but as I was riding the subway this morning I was rudely reminded of a hideous creature that rears it's ugly head on various occasions - THE PLATFORM SNEAKER - Now the major brand of this monstrosity is MBT (please see picture. MBT claims these black bricks will 'not only change the way you use your muscles, but will improve the use of your joint and spine) honestly after someone has seen these things on your feet the LAST thing they are going to think about is your posture or body or personality for that matter. 

I know exactly what these women and men (yes I have seen men wear these as well) are thinking - it's the same theory behind bad mom jeans and crocs - it's the "I will wear what's comfortable and I don't care what anyone thinks" attitude. This just doesn't fly - yes you do care if you look hideous and everyone is uncomfortable around you so I don't buy it.

Bottom line is stay at the gym longer if you are looking to enhance your workout and if it's posture your concerned about then sit against the wall or something but PLEASE stop the insanity of the platform workout sneaker. 

All Dressed Up and No One Will Know

On a dark day in the early nineties, the concept of the square toe dress shoe was born. Since that day, men have been going home from bars solo by the masses for what is an unnecessary mistake. So listen up gentlemen, as this is quite possibly the most important message of our blog: nothing screams “RUN” louder than a man sporting square toe slip-ons below his ankles (obviously, other than the words "trust me").

The picture featured above is an extreme example. If there is any good left in this world, this heinous combination of leather and terribleness never hit the pavement and died in cyberspace. However, as you will see, people are out there making poor decisions daily.

Problem number one: that chunky heel is unacceptable. Under no circumstances should a man ever wear a raised heel. Arguably, a woman should never be caught wearing such a heel either, but that's someone else's blog. If a dude is self-conscious about being short he needs to learn to be funny. Guys in heels are like girls in padded bras, eventually the truth is revealed.

Problem number two: this buckle thing. Clearly some guido shoe designer out in the valley somewhere, with spiky hair and a black button down with the first four unbuttoned, came up with what he thought would be the hottest shoe to hit the "clubbing" scene this year. I certainly hope this shoe is at least comfortable, because what guido didn't realize was that by putting these disasters on his feet, that man is only guaranteeing his place out on the sidewalk in a line for hours. Face it, a guy wearing these shoes isn't getting inside anywhere worth being. When considering whether to purchase a shoe with any type of buckle guys should remember that the basic rule for your hair applies to your feet: comb-overs are a no no.

Problem number three: the square toe. Enough said.

Our next example, and the first victim of our blog, is provided by one of our good buddies (yes, even our friends aren't safe). While this lovely fellow is very charming, extremely handsome and even a little witty, he's making a huge mistake here. Whatever, stop judging, you know you're thinking it too. First, I know we are supposed to stick to shoes, but come on, homes, get new jeans! Tapered light denim is the equivalent of jean shorts, but in the winter. While I am a firm believer that light denim should never be purchased to begin with, it's probably more reasonable to ask that you refrain from wearing your light denim with black shoes. With the exception of the authors, the average girl in a dark bar would probably not even notice his square toe folly if he were wearing a pair of dark olive pants or any other dark color. Tapered jeans should not be worn. Period. Jeans and square toe shoes should also be avoided at all costs. Square toe shoes should never leave Dillard's in anything but the Salvation Army truck. This is all very elementary.

Finally, what kind of shallow wenches would we be if we didn't compliment some shoes? Notice the round toe, it's a beautiful thing. If you insist on wearing a buckle, wear something like the one below, simple, classic and not gold. Yes, we are aware that these are somewhat pricey examples of acceptable alternatives, but they come in poor too, this is meant to only be a guide.

And finally, for those of you with a closet full of light blue denim, as much as it pains me to advise you to wear it, at least wear it with these: