All Dressed Up and No One Will Know

On a dark day in the early nineties, the concept of the square toe dress shoe was born. Since that day, men have been going home from bars solo by the masses for what is an unnecessary mistake. So listen up gentlemen, as this is quite possibly the most important message of our blog: nothing screams “RUN” louder than a man sporting square toe slip-ons below his ankles (obviously, other than the words "trust me").

The picture featured above is an extreme example. If there is any good left in this world, this heinous combination of leather and terribleness never hit the pavement and died in cyberspace. However, as you will see, people are out there making poor decisions daily.

Problem number one: that chunky heel is unacceptable. Under no circumstances should a man ever wear a raised heel. Arguably, a woman should never be caught wearing such a heel either, but that's someone else's blog. If a dude is self-conscious about being short he needs to learn to be funny. Guys in heels are like girls in padded bras, eventually the truth is revealed.

Problem number two: this buckle thing. Clearly some guido shoe designer out in the valley somewhere, with spiky hair and a black button down with the first four unbuttoned, came up with what he thought would be the hottest shoe to hit the "clubbing" scene this year. I certainly hope this shoe is at least comfortable, because what guido didn't realize was that by putting these disasters on his feet, that man is only guaranteeing his place out on the sidewalk in a line for hours. Face it, a guy wearing these shoes isn't getting inside anywhere worth being. When considering whether to purchase a shoe with any type of buckle guys should remember that the basic rule for your hair applies to your feet: comb-overs are a no no.

Problem number three: the square toe. Enough said.

Our next example, and the first victim of our blog, is provided by one of our good buddies (yes, even our friends aren't safe). While this lovely fellow is very charming, extremely handsome and even a little witty, he's making a huge mistake here. Whatever, stop judging, you know you're thinking it too. First, I know we are supposed to stick to shoes, but come on, homes, get new jeans! Tapered light denim is the equivalent of jean shorts, but in the winter. While I am a firm believer that light denim should never be purchased to begin with, it's probably more reasonable to ask that you refrain from wearing your light denim with black shoes. With the exception of the authors, the average girl in a dark bar would probably not even notice his square toe folly if he were wearing a pair of dark olive pants or any other dark color. Tapered jeans should not be worn. Period. Jeans and square toe shoes should also be avoided at all costs. Square toe shoes should never leave Dillard's in anything but the Salvation Army truck. This is all very elementary.

Finally, what kind of shallow wenches would we be if we didn't compliment some shoes? Notice the round toe, it's a beautiful thing. If you insist on wearing a buckle, wear something like the one below, simple, classic and not gold. Yes, we are aware that these are somewhat pricey examples of acceptable alternatives, but they come in poor too, this is meant to only be a guide.

And finally, for those of you with a closet full of light blue denim, as much as it pains me to advise you to wear it, at least wear it with these: